When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
You Might Also Like
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair