Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
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It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
The fall of Netflix
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I would move hell over six inches for you