Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
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If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
birds and squirrels envy us
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it