*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
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*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
No one :
Me when I swimming :
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
*performs CPR on the turkey*