Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
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As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.