*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
You Might Also Like
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
This did not end as expected.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.