Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
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Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..