Any time a child tries to guess my age.
You Might Also Like
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
This story is comedy gold 😂
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.