Terribly Tuesday.
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.