My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies