Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
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When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.