My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
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you will never know the true number of layers
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
we’re gonna need another temp
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.