before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?