Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
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Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
jesus, what did this guy do
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!