[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
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A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool