You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
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Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.