When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
This will never not be funny 😭
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Hot hot hot 🥵
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale