Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
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“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
The three genders
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Hitlers gonna hitl
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
the three branches of government
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.