These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
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Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.