{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
You Might Also Like
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”