I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband