I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
john wicks are toilet candles
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Feels like the fourth month in January
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.