They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
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Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.