My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
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2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
moms in horror movies
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.