If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
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“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
“Sheer Arrogance”
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I can also cook 😂
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.