My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
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I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is