Toh the desire to sin is so great ππππ€£π€·π
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Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say βAre you okay? Be careful.β Instead it came out at as βAre you careful?β That answer would be an obvious no.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl π
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and Iβm taking this as an act of war so tomorrow Iβm sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: βWe believe weβve identified the purpletraitor”.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except itβs my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ΓΆ
God: haha jk itβs just me
Caterpillar: oOOOΓΆ
God: SEE YOUβRE DOING IT
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more adviceβ¦
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: Iβm a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. Iβll be back in an hour.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Coffee cause nowadays thereβs just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?