Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Was it something I said?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet