The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
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beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
apparently this year was written by stephen king
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits