MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
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*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I’ll be mad as hell!
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Sheep
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ