It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
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St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”