“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
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For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.