Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
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Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.