Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I only say stupid things when I talk.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night