I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
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*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger