I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
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Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Always
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.