The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
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Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?