I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
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Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
The glockness monster
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.