“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
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Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
How to wake up a Beagle
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure