I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
You Might Also Like
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
girls literally only want one thing..
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.