My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
You Might Also Like
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
“i am a sweet baby”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
The real reason evolution started..😂
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.