if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
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wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.