Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
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“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly