*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*