Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I beg your pardon?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude