I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
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Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
crazy
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
😂🤣😂🤣
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Best table by far
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice