Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
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If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?