You Might Also Like
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key