[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
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Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
this isn’t threatening at all
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.