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When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”